This is not my first blog.
When I started blogging almost 8 years ago, since Schyler was just conceived back then. I wanted to paint a pretty picture of how awesome my little family was back then. Hoping that writing or even posting happy pictures on Facebook would at least put that nagging feeling away and hope that people may think that I was living a happy married life.
Deep in my heart, I knew that there was something wrong – but I never really acknowledged it. I was in a constant feeling of despair. And blogging about my life’s simple family adventures was my bandaid. It helped me momentarily escape and paint a pretty picture of what a starting family should be.
I received an email from a reader several days ago and like me back then, is trapped in a loveless marriage. I don’t know the details, but she knows that she is unhappy and thinking of a way on how to be free again. I have emailed her, but I have yet to hear back from her. I truly hope that she is well.
“I don’t understand why women stay with men like that.” Tony said a few nights back.
Well for women like me who are strong-willed and happy, can find themself sucked in a life of misery. I know I almost did, it took me the 3rd time to finally pack up my bags and leave that unbearable life for good. And even if we are all that, there are a lot of factors why we don’t leave. Financially can you support your children? yourself? What will your family say? What will your friends think? Whose fault is it?
And the very last time I really left, it was the hardest part of my life – and it was one of the most difficult time for my parents and siblings too. I was depressed and I was almost always angry. I had no steady job. And the worst part was, Sky absorbed a lot of that grief and bitterness too. Like me, he was lost as well.
But you know what, at one point you will jump on a trigger that would force you to just get over it. For me it came in two’s. The first one was when I screamed raving mad at Sky for not behaving in the church – where everyone and I mean everyone just looked at me like I was some kind of a lunatic. Sky just looked back at me with those eyes questioning why I was so mad at him for something that was so trivial. I ran out of of the church and left him with my parents.
And the next one was at a funeral, where I would normally cry and be emotional – but I was not because I was taking Seroquel, that my psychiatrist prescribed – that I have realized that the medication was just stopping me to go through the process of grieving.
I had to find a way on how to cope. I stopped taking anti-depressants and just re-focused my energy. I had to find a way to cross over. Not just for me, but for Sky.
One thing that I knew that I needed to do was ASK FOR HELP. And I was fortunate enough to have a great moral support system from my family and my friends. And then I decided to take the National Physical Therapy Exam again, I carefully reviewed and strategized to make sure I passed it the second time around. And I did. Thank God.
And I also RAN. I ran 5-10Ks on a daily basis, ran 21Ks on my own at least twice a day under the pouring rain or under the very hot sun. I would cry while I’m running or would run while I’m crying. Running was a catch-22 for me. When I ran back then, 50% of the time I was thinking of how I could have done it differently, that would hopefully save my marriage and some of time I was thinking of plans of action that I need to do to pull through this shit hole that I thought that I dug myself in.
Oh boy and I PRAYED. Prayed so much, prayed while I was running, while I was crying for God to help and guide me to the best way possible to get over this emotional abuse that I went through. Pray for scars to heal faster and pray to be the best mom for Sky that I can possibly can. Pray for the future that HE meant for me, for us.
But, here I am and I survived. Sky survived.
And here I am blogging again. This time my direction will be different. Sure, I will still write about tips, musings, parenting and everything else that I may find interesting. But, will make sure that I will be able to help other women in my shoes or trying to ease away from a life of emotional abuse and help someone out there to cross over to FINDING YOU AGAIN.